Here We Go, Again!

Again, I haven't been writing because another change is taking place. Because we're raising a child, we need to move to a more kid-friendly neighborhood. We thought, because Brady always did play dates, we could get away with living in a more adult community. WRONG! Guess who gets to be his play mates when not on play dates? He needs kids around him. So, we're moving on Monday. Needless to say, it's been hectic, crazy and stressful but all in a good way. After we're settled, I'll be back to the blog. Thank you to anyone who's been reading it, especially for your patience. Have a great weekend!

Reminders Of Her...

It's that moment when I hear a song we sang together or I see someone on the street whose mannerisms or  looks are so much like hers that I gasp, or when Brady does something so phenomenal that I wish she was here to enjoy it, that brings me to tears. With all the hell she put me through, I only think of her in the most loving terms -I miss her. It's never easy losing a child and the emotion hits me when I least expect it...like now.

Disney Cruises Forever!

So sorry I've not been blogging. Stu, Brady and I were on a 7-day Disney Cruise. I cannot believe it took us this long to do this. It's the ONLY way to travel with a child. We had family time AND alone time while Brady happily played with newfound friends in the Oceaneer's Lab Kids' Club. In fact, he didn't want to leave it. There were adult activities, kids activities and family activities -so many, we couldn't get to all of them! The shows were Broadway calibre talent, the food was wonderful and even our dinner mates couldn't have been better. Service was incredible! By the third night, our servers knew Brady's name and what he liked to eat (not difficult since he only likes the mac 'n cheese) and followed us in rotation from restaurant to restaurant. Every detail ran like clockwork and we couldn't be happier. Getting my skeptical husband on a ship was a project in itself but even Stu wanted a longer experience. Oh, and if you ever go on the Disney Wonder, do not miss reserving your "adults only" spectacularly delicious and impeccably served dining experience at "Palo".

We're ready to go again and hope my other kids and some friends join us. Had I known how fantastic and rejuvenating this was when my other kids were young, I would've taken out a loan just to go. Thank you, Disney! Sorry to sound like a commercial but I am still so jazzed!!!!!

A Snippet From Chapter: THREE PARENT FAMILY

Two months passed and I hadn’t heard a word from Jaime. Every time the doorbell or the phone rang at odd hours, I shuddered, thinking it was the police telling me they found my daughter in a ditch.  That thought haunted me when I slept and when I was awake. It’s a nightmare many parents share when their children are addicts.

It was a Saturday morning towards the end of summer. I was still in my pajamas, casually reading the newspaper and finishing my cup of coffee when the phone rang.  I thought it might be Adam calling from Tennessee, but it wasn’t; it was Jaime. For the first time in a very long time, her voice wasn’t hoarse. She asked me to please just listen and not talk. Something inside me gave me a foreboding of what she was going to say.  I held my breath.                                                                                                                     

Can You Moms Relate?

With all I've had to do in the last few weeks concerning the upbringing of one 8 year old, I kept saying to myself, "I'm too old for this!" Then I realized, "I was too old for this even when I was young!" Raising four kids in my twenties equates to raising one in my sixties -none of it easy! A massage, a manicure, a pillow, or a minute to myself would be wonderful right about now.

From Chapter 2: "MISSTEPS"

My God, I’d spent years smelling my teenagers’ breath for alcohol, looking for dilated pupils and asking them if their friends were smoking pot. Our kids were even fully involved in the D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program in school. How could this be happening to our family? 

We drove straight to the outpatient rehab facility, located inside our local hospital. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience as we rode the elevator up to the floor labeled “Chemical Dependency Treatment.” I never imagined our family would be here and hoped I didn’t see anyone I knew, at least not for the time being. I didn’t want to have to explain anything, just yet. When we reached the front desk, the reception staff was very friendly and asked us if we’d like water or coffee while we waited.                                                                        I’d rather have a new life, I thought.

Jaime began the program the next day and was assigned to a counselor whom she’d see weekly, and who could randomly drug-test her. She received a behavior log, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, written rules of the program, and she attended her first patient meeting that night.

“How was it, Jaime?” I anxiously asked when she got home.

“It was okay,” she despondently answered.  “I just don’t think I belong here.”

“Maybe it’ll get better with time,” I said, sensing this was not going to be the easy fix I was hoping for.

           

It was a big life adjustment for all of us. While Jaime went to daily patient meetings with other addicts/alcoholics, we were expected to attend meetings twice a week, Mondays and Fridays, in the same building. Stu and I were labeled co-dependents. Initially, we thought co-dependents were the interested parties attached to the addict or alcoholic. But we soon learned that co-dependency is a behavioral issue -a tendency to behave in excessively caretaking and/or controlling ways. Our name was all over that one. Stu and I had a lot of work ahead of us if we wanted healthy relationships. Who knows? Maybe Jaime’s disease would make us healthier!           

Snippet from the Chapter-"MISSTEPS"

            The rehab program had rolling admissions, so patients entered at different times and graduated at different times. Many co-dependents stopped coming when their qualifiers graduated, but some stayed on to continue sharing their strength and hope with the new people coming in. We developed a genuine compassion for most of the people we met through program. We might see them casually or not see them for years, but we will forever be part of the club and they will always be friends. Many people who haven’t experienced this process can never understand, and I always feel compelled to try to make the co-dependent experience vivid. Program people get what you’re going through. There’s no small talk and no explaining necessary, but there is a lot of empathy and hugs. It feels safe.

             Unfortunately, the twelve-step program is not a cure-all and we saw many alcoholics and addicts come and go, along with their co-dependents. It was very eye opening and upsetting to see so much failure and pain. The miracles were those who got sober and stayed sober.                                   

            We learned quickly, but found it difficult to accept that addiction is a family disease in which we played a part. It’s so easy to say that it’s the alcoholic or addict with the problem; that it’s not our disease. Even though Stu and I didn’t choose to abuse drugs or alcohol; as significant others, we were part of the problem. That concept took longer to grasp.