TODAY, STU IS 5 YEARS CANCER FREE!!!!

(The following is an excerpt from Fifth Child)         

At first Stu thought it was just stomach gas. Then he thought it might be an ulcer or perhaps his heart. After several check-ups with negative finds, he concluded it must be a strained back and went for physical therapy. It was there that the therapist said he felt a mass on his abdomen that didn’t feel right.

After seven months of much discomfort, having to sit in an upright position to be able to fall asleep, in 2007, Stu was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s abdominal lymphoma. As with any C-word diagnosis, the news was devastating. With all we’d been through  -with all Stu had been through- it was hard to accept we had another hurdle to negotiate, especially with our newest responsibility. How were we going to do this? I had a husband getting ready to go through chemo and a three-year old going through the tyrannical three’s!            

Never a typical terrible two year old, Brady made up for it as soon as he turned three. He challenged and tested us every step of the way, throwing toys at us when he was frustrated, hiding in places we couldn’t find him and refusing to sit for more than thirty seconds in a timeout. Stu and I searched our memory bank for clues. But when our kids were young, not even Adam was this defiant. It seemed that Brady wanted to see how much we could take, whether we’d take it, and then also take him. I read that anger was a normal response for children with abandonment issues and that it will come out in places where a child feels safe. If this was true, it was good that Brady felt safe enough with us to express his anger, but very stressful on us keeping our emotional responses in check.                                                                                     

“Brady, we love you, no matter what you do,” we repeatedly said to him. Still he pressed on. There were certainly times we let him get the better of us and felt impotent in our parenting skills. It was exhausting, not only because of our ages, but with the uncertainty of what was ahead of us concerning Stu.                                                             

Stu was scared and I found myself with my walls up; not able to face that he had cancer. I drove him to chemo but couldn’t be around it, so I left and ran errands, anything for diversion. Stu thought it was mean of me, but I saw it as survival. I was overwhelmed by Stu’s illness and needed my wits about me to care for a child. “Lynne,” Stu weakly said after a chemo session, “I don’t think I can do this and raise Brady at the same time.” 

For Stu, going through chemo was like having a major flu that never went away. He felt so sick, so weak and in such pain that he thought we should have Brady go to one of our other children’s homes.                                                                                                                                  

“Please, Stu, we can’t do that to him.” I begged. “He’s been through enough upheaval in his short little life. We have to make this work.”  

            

The next day, we had planned a hair-shaving party so that when Stu began losing his hair, Brady wouldn’t be afraid. Our youngest son, Josh came over to do the job. Stu sat on our staircase, while Josh made jokes as Stu’s hair fell to the floor and Brady’s laughter filled the room. Afterwards, Brady climbed up on Stu’s lap and put his arms around Stu’s neck.  “I love you. You’ll be fine,” our little old soul said, in no uncertain terms. Then Brady began to sing and Stu felt the joyful spirit that only a child can bring. “I think Brady’s the one who’s going to get me through this,” he surrendered.                                    

Amen.                       

            

Stu completed his treatment in July, just before Josh and Hazel’s August wedding. He was still weak and looked like the lead character in the movie, Powder. But Stu enjoyed being able to witness Josh happily getting married with Brady, Aidan and Skyler in the wedding party and brother, Adam as his best man. 

(That was five years ago -again, Amen!)  

                                                                                                                     

September 6, 1976

Jaime would have turned 36 yesterday. It's always a strange day. I usually think of her in her best light, with a few episodes of her and her addiction trying to creep in. It's daunting, as I try to think back to her childhood and all the dreams a parent has for a child.

What happened to our baby? We named her after my beloved grandmother so that unconditional love would be part of her being. She was swaddled in a pink blanket made by Stu’s mother, to add sweetness and gentility to her life and my mother gave her a huge Raggedy Ann doll for protection. Jaime was the sweetest and most Bohemian of our children. She strived for originality even in elementary school. Her fashion whims would have even impressed her idol, Cindy Lauper, as would her musical talent. We had such hope for our child.

            
At least we have the best of her with us. When I told Brady that it would have been Jaime's birthday, he said we should buy a cupcake and put a candle on it. He's such a little old soul. I then explained the Jewish custom to honor those who've passed; that we light a candle on the day of her death to remember her. He asked what date she died on and I got to share something curious with him, which most likely wouldn't be to a numerologist. Jaime was born on 9-06-76 and died on 6-09-09. It still blows my mind.

Almost Back To Blogging

Our trip to Israel was AMAZING but exhausting. We flew to Philadelphia and New Jersey to visit family and decompress. As soon as we got home to California, I had to purchase school supplies, lunch box snacks and Brady was back in school. We've been adjusting to the new schedule and I'll be back to offering up more book excerpts. I've been self-editing and made some needed changes to the manuscript. Hope summer was good for everyone. It's been way too hot here!

Is Someone Listening?

 A few weeks ago, I took Brady and cousin, Aidan, to a show put on by Israeli teens touring the country. The teens sang and danced while colorful slides of Israel lit up the screen behind them. I saw people smiling in the marketplace, praying at the Western Wall, children happily running into the Mediterranean, soldiers holding the Israeli flag, photographs of Holocaust victims at Yad Vashem and a video about the "Lone Soldiers" -volunteers who travel to Israel alone to fight in the army.

The boys enjoyed it as only 8 year olds can but I was so touched that I couldn't control the tears constantly running down the side of my face throughout the presentation. All I could think about was how much I wanted to experience Israel and the thought stayed with me.

Last week I received a call from a newfound friend that took me by surprise. He said there was an opening for one more family to go to Israel this summer for "Family Israel Experience". What? Was someone listening? He said he thought of us and if we could make it happen, he would make it happen. It was an offer we couldn't refuse.

So, not only are we going to Israel in 3 weeks but one of the evenings is scheduled for us to have dinner with some "Lone Soldiers".

Someone HAD to be listening.....

BUT I MUST WASH MY HAIR!

So, it's Day 8 of summer vacation. I've planned something every day for Brady for do. But, today I MUST make a couple store returns and we're out of things like milk and eggs so MUST go shopping. Brady only wants to ride his bike or go swimming. Like I'll really get him to do errands with me. Now, he's nagging me for a snack. But, he just had breakfast and I MUST take a shower! Then he asks if he can have a friend over. I tell him I'll answer that AFTER I'm out of the shower. WHAT??!!! It can't be noon! I've only made the beds and just gotten out of the shower!!! I'm being paged, AGAIN, by my relentless 8-year old. NOW what??!!!

Okay, I surrender. I put the returns off until tomorrow, will pick up groceries while he's at Tae Kwon Do later today, I'll blow-dry my hair and take him to the pool.

And The Playing Continues....And I'm Pooped!

I'm exhausted but Brady's the one playing!

Every day since school let out, our house has been full of kids. Along with arranged play dates, our house is also filled with the neighborhood kids. I think I've run out of peanut butter and jelly! Boys can really eat and drink! Every time I turned around, the refrigerator door was opening and closing.

This is such a different life than when my kids were young. I've had more kids here for Brady in four days then all four of my kids had over their entire childhood!!!!! I pat myself on the back for today but wish I knew "this" Mom in the 70's. I'm sure my grown kids wish so, too. At least I've been given the opportunity to do it better. Although, at times, I question whether we're giving him too much.

So Much for Plans -The Playing is Awesome!

We were so surprised to sell our home in 2 days at full price along with a back-up offer! Of course, we still lost money but could move on. We had 45 days to find a place to live.

Our plan was to put our home on the market and wait 6 months or so for it to sell and then rent for a few months until the new planned community was completed in the area we wanted to live. We had to act quickly and were lucky to find a home for rent a couple blocks from where the new homes are set to be ready in spring of 2013 (we wanted Brady to be in the same neighborhood). Another strike of luck was that we had to sign a year's lease, so selling when we did aligned us perfectly with our plan. The house fits most of our needs but what is amazing is that we're in a jewel of a location. Our back gate empties onto a huge green belt, which is like a park! It has benches and walkways, flanked by 2 pools, a play area, tennis courts and a sand volleyball court, not to mention all the built-in kids. Brady's in heaven!!!! "Mom," he said. Can you believe it? I can just get on my bike and go out by myself." He feels so free and independent. After school, he meets his friends and they ride round and round the walkway, switching from bikes to scooters to big wheels. I've had kids in our house almost daily, which I didn't do when my kids were young. My grown children would hardly recognize that I've become the Kool-Aid Mom! I'm just sorry I was too overwhelmed when I was younger to do the same for them.

This has been a wonderful move for all of us. We have wonderful neighbors (whom we know from Brady's school) and even OUR social life is bustling. The new neighborhood is only a couple blocks away but will be fairly normal with streets and homes. Who has a park in their backyard???!!!! It's going to be quite a challenge moving from this sweet location!

The other day, Brady (our little old soul) said, "You are really good parents. You're always trying to make my life better."

That's what it's all about!